Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
