I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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