Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize