I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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