When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
