I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize