you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
