Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
