i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
this is an emotional support booty call
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
