ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
