Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
