grandma shit on top of the toilet
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
