Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
