i just wanna soil my oats bro
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
