rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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