Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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