I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
