Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I accidentally had phone sex last night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
