i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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