Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
