PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
