Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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