Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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