I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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