All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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