I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
