Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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