cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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