Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
