my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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