How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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