I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
