this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
