Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
