please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
