We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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