Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
