How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
