I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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