I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Couch. On fire.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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