here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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