FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize