I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
3 2 1 whiskey
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
