My Higher Power is John Stamos
sarcasm needs its own font
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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