Well apparently he's into motor boating.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
