Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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