i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
