Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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