i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
