i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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