Your face is a jimmy john
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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