Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
