Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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