She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize