I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize