never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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