Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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