My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
