I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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